ALOIS GRABER

Date: 20th august 2025

What I learned from going on a couple of dates

I don't need to have a gf. I want a gf but I don't need one. If I want to have great conversations I should stop fantasizing about them because that gets all of my conversational energy out and then I don't have any anymore in the real life. I should stay in the present. It sucks but I have to know what I want.

I'm independent of her. She could have helped but I can also do it without her. Do you want a relationship or do you want to spend some good time with a girl?

I was her biggest fangirl. I let her take up an inappropriate amount of space in my mind. When the mind is putting too much importance on something that isn't that important, life says "go back to refining your approach and shoot again after the adjustment".

In my case I though she was "the one" and it's the most intelligent and beautiful girl I've ever met and I'll never be able to feel what I've felt for her ever again for any other girl.

But then I met this other girl that was nice and beautiful and cute. So maybe relationships are not like chocolate ice cream and I can't settle down at 7 years old and eat the same ice cream for the rest of my life. They evolve, change, grow and all one can do is not be oneself and not be what others tell one to be, but be what one wants to be (aim for someone you would be proud of and you'll fail but that's better than where you are right now so do it anyway). If you try to get someone to act a certain way (which is manipulation) chances are they'll flee unless their someone who is also suffering from unknown boundries. All you can do is be someone you can be proud of and then you can say "I've noticed some romantic feelings come up when I look at you, what do you think I should do with that?" Put the ball in their court and explore together. If they are not into it that's fine, ask them to hook you up with someone they know.

Generally

• Thinking fast vs thinking slow: think slow sometimes. Take 2 days to think about the actions you have done. Sleep well. Then act again.
• Power vs force: Give the other person enough space to develop love. Don't be a tennis ball machine let it be an interaction. Know that you don't need a relationship with this person. You can always walk away. Don't get incredibly intense right away. "The brightest flames burn out the soonest". First date is just about getting comfortable and seeing if you-all are vibing.
• Communicate your intention / wants / needs right away. Don't bullshit around. Friendzone awaits you otherwise. Crash or make it.

Specifically

What do I want?

• I want a romantic relationship with a woman who is ready to work through problems and has a good heart (synonym is a giver who can set limits).

Rules

• Don't text her for 48h after the first date.
• Don't go for longer than 90 minute first date
• Ask the other person what they want: Do they want to text everyday? Do they want to see each other a lot?
• Confront her: I have a question...(dramatic waiting) about us...(dramatic waiting)Is this friendship or is there a chance this interaction takes some other form?
• When there is a problem take a break for 48h-168h without communication.
• When there is a problem listen to what the other persons problem is, rephrase, voice your own pov, let it sit and see if the mind works something out.

Breaking up

Let everything out as soon as possible if you don't want to get traumatized. Everything in moderation, including moderation. Don't keep it inside just go out and do all the shit you always wanted to do. Be honest tell people your heart is broken when they ask. And at a certain point the mind might say: okay I'm done, now deal with regret. And then you can question whether you've done everything you wanted to do, take the lessons you learned home and from there you will be on your feet, meet friends that are stable and go again, (but remeber not too intense your just trying to have some fun with someone for some time).